Fire Fire Joe Morgan

OK so there are these internerds who are always taking shots at my boy Joe Morgan. What's wrong with you guys? Get a life! What do you, live in your mother's basement?!?!?! (It's well known that bloggers' parents don't live in apartment buildings, or bungalows, or other single-story homes.) Get ready for a taste of your own medicine.

Joe Morgan: The Phillies starting pitching needs help, as does the Mets' pitching and they need consistent offense as well. And the Braves I just cannot read; they lose close games and are not consistent.

Ken Tremendous: It's amazing, isn't it, folks? We're like 4 years in to this grand experiment we call "JoeChats," and the issues we face are the exact same ones we faced in 2005. Consistency, indeed.

That's right, it is amazing. Since 2005, Joe has consistently been able to point out the lack of consistency in Major League Baseball today. Would you rather he be inconsistent?

Ken Tremendous: Side note: you know what's amazing? The Angels and A's, three weeks after Joe wrote this, have almost the exact same run differential, and the Angels are 12 games up. The Cubbies are +72 over the Brewcrew and they're tied. Pretty incredible.

Translation: Bla bla numbers numbers I'm a huge nerd who watches baseball with a pair of binoculars made out of, like, a calculator and another even nerdier calculator.

Joe Morgan: The Twins will need him if they are to catch the White Sox. As far as the Tigers, they are on a thin rope, because if they have another bad stretch they are finished.

Ken Tremendous: Can you be "on" a "thin rope?" You can be on a tightrope, and you can be on thin ice. I'm not sure you can be on a thin rope.

You can totally be on a thin rope. Joe is trying to explain that the Tigers are in danger of missing the postseason, and if Miguel Cabrera gains any more weight, the rope will snap and they'll fall out of contention.

Jacob (FL): Joe, you gotta feel for Dan Uggla after his performance last night. Could that affect him for the rest of the season?

Ken Tremendous: Uggla since the break: 1-25, for a tidy .332 OPS. This is almost certainly the result of making those errors (which ended up not affecting the outcome of the game in any way) and not a random 25-AB fluctuation in the middle of the season. Because MLB players are frail little babies who never recover from things like non-game-affecting errors in stupid exhibition contests.

Please, we know that Dan Uggla doesn't have any heart, and that's why he's hitting .040 since his heartless errors in the all-star game. A true professional doesn't make errors on national television. Derek Jeter has never made an error in an all-star game (didn't even have to look that one up 'cause it's gotta be true) and if he did he'd probably make up for it by going 20/25 after the break. Dan Uggla just doesn't have the calm eyes of a Derek Jeter. Next.

Chris. P (NY): What are the Chances of Bonds being a Yankee? Cashmen could of said No but he didnt. How well can Bonds do at Yankee Stadium?

Ken Tremendous: I hate to be "this guy," but it delights me how many dumbdumb errors Chris P. (NY) made. He doesn't even know how to spell the name of his own GM. Because the Yankees are about to swarm all over everyone and win the East as Manny Ramirez claims that the Red Sox have never respected him and that they should give him $40m more when he asks out of a game against the Yankees in late July with a mysterious knee ailment, I am going to exact petty revenge by reprinting Chris. P (NY)'s question with [sic]s.

Chris. [sic] P [sic] (NY): What are the Chances [sic] of Bonds being [sic] a Yankee? Cashmen [sic] could of [sic] said No [sic] but he didnt [sic]. How well can [sic] Bonds do at Yankee Stadium?

Shoutout to my cuz Chris P. in NY!

Joe Morgan: Well they can still win it but they cannot have anymore 4-5 games losing streaks. They are on a thin line right now.

Ken Tremendous: Can you be "on a thin line?" You can be on thin ice, you can be on a tightrope, there can be a thin line between love and hate, there can be a thin blue line or a thin red line, you can be on the red line, the orange line, the green line, or the blue line, but I'm not sure you can be "on a thin line."

Dude, it's just like being on a thin rope. I already explained that one! Do you have any actual gripes with Joe, or are you just gonna rag on his awesome patented Morgan Metaphors? Next you'll be telling me that Tim McCarver sucks and that Mike Celizic's hat isn't dope.

Joe Morgan: I think run differential is just a stat that does not mean a lot. Look at what the Dbacks did last year. Run differential is a deceptive stat.

Ken Tremendous: Second of all: Yes, good work, a stat that shows you how many runs you have scored versus how many runs you have allowed does not mean a lot. You know what does mean a lot? Team triples. If your team is tripling a lot, that means your guys are hustling, and you will win a lot. Just ask Arizona and San Francisco!

OK fill in the blank: Arizona is leading their _________. The correct answer is: division. Is that because of their VORP, or GLEEP, or PKPKPKPKPK? No. The correct reason is: they hustle their asses off. Stephen Drew has 7 triples. But I guess you'd rather he have walked all those times.

Ken Tremendous: Jim Edmonds just tried to bunt a guy to second, in a suddenly-tie-game in the seventh with nobody out and DeRosa and Fukudome behind him. Jim Edmonds, in his career, has 7584 total plate appearances and 10 sac bunts. And a .933 OPS in his last 50 games. Good call, Lou.

DeRosa walks, Fuku pops up. If the Cubbies don't take the lead here, you'll know why.

Duh. Because DeRosa walked. If he had gotten a hit and cashed the runner, the Cubs would have taken the lead, all thanks to the bunt moving the runner over. But I guess you'd rather he walk. You statheads and your walks.

-- Kurt Horrendous